The 5 Worst Things About E3 2011

E3 isn’t always great. (Remember 2008, Nintendo fans?) Occasionally, it flat-out sucks on all sides. E3 2011 was a great show, to be sure—at least for Sony and Nintendo—but it still had its missteps. In true Dead Horse fashion, several days late, here are the five worst parts of this year’s show.

5. The absentees (BG&E2, GTA5, etc.)

Will we ever see more than this trailer?

Where the hell were they? Especially Beyond Good & Evil 2! Don’t get me wrong. I know Michel Ancel wants to keep the BG&E2 team small for artistic reasons, and I know that Rayman Origins comes first. But give us a little teaser, just a tiny morsel of what’s coming as a token of good faith. Not too much to ask, right? What about GTA5? I know we’ll see it sometime, but the wait’s killing me.

Final Fantasy vsXIII has been in development for a long time now. Longer than its mediocre counterpart. Hopefully, it’ll make an E3 appearance next time around. This is, of course, assuming the impossible doesn’t happen and it comes out before then.

The Last Guardian is taking a while, too, I guess, but we’ve seen and heard a good amount of stuff on it. It’s just kind of a shame it hasn’t been at E3 since its reveal in 2009.

(By the way, Ancel announced that BG&E2 won’t even be coming out this generation. I smell vaporware!)

4. The Wii U reveal

See? It really IS a new console!

Before you start posting hate comments (comments…hah!), stay your weapons. I think the console itself looks great. The name? Well, let’s just say Nintendo surprised me when it beat the pants off Sony’s Vita for the worst hardware name. But the real failure here was how confused Nintendo’s demonstration of the hardware was.

Most of the gaming community probably knew that this was a whole new console, but the heavy focus on the controller and little emphasis on processing power didn’t help. A lot of the stuff they demo-ed had current Wii graphics, and I don’t think Nintendo stressed hard enough that the Wii U is, in fact, a new home console. I still see comments about the Wii U being a new “handheld” or “yet another Wii peripheral.” Nintendo blew the reveal, impressive hardware features notwithstanding.

3. Mr. Caffeine

Ubisoft, fire this man.

What a raging douchefire. Who hired this obnoxious idiot? When Aaron Priceman, aka “Mr. Caffeine,” wasn’t rambling like an awful grade school motivational speaker, he was making dick jokes and stupid sound effects. Mr. Caffeine wasn’t the most annoying part of E3, but he was definitely the most annoying person—and beating out Kudo Tsunoda for that title ain’t easy.

2. PS Vita’s 3G service from AT&T

How? WHY!?

Despite the stupid name, I was on board with the high-end PS Vita until I saw that the contract for its 3G service is with AT&T. Hey, guys, remember when the iPhone came out and everyone loved having AT&T as a provider? No? Me neither. The Vita looks like a fantastic platform, and its price is pitch-perfect—but AT&T will do nothing but hold back the otherwise great handheld.

1. Microsoft’s entire press conference

The best thing to come of that awful show.

What a travesty. Like last year, Microsoft got off to a decent enough start. For the most part, the MW3 demo went all right, despite showing us nothing new or more impressive than MW2. Mass Effect 3 looked fantastic, of course. But Gears 3 aside, it was all downhill after that. Microsoft showed almost nothing but—sigh—“family-friendly” Kinect titles.

Star Wars lagged like hell and barely seemed to work half the time. Disneyland Adventures looks pretty much like Kinect Adventures, but with a more annoying demonstration (Who really says, “Fist buuuuump!” when performing a fist bump?) than Kinect Adventures. Lionhead Studios also screwed the pooch on the Fable: The Journey demo, which looked like a boring rail shooter. But apparently it’s not, Molyneux says! What a relief.

But hey, at least they threw us a bone with Halo HD and… Halo 4. Really, Microsoft, I thought we were past revealing two Halo games a year. Then again, keep bleeding exclusives like you have been and I guess I can’t blame you.


About Aaron Kinney

I don't wanna think anymore.
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