Nerd Rage: IGN’s Star Wars/Marvel Mash-up

Contrary to the title, I’m not going to complain about IGN’s most recent “Versus” series, although I may complain about the people voting in it. Star Wars and Marvel are two of my favorite franchises, so it’s interesting to see a site not run by a fat guy living in his grandparents’ basement hold a series of polls like this.  I’m going to celebrate it by offering my own slightly less nerdy (though still quite nerdy) input on each match.

Obviously, the poll isn’t over yet, with new matchups being added pretty much daily, so you can expect to see this updated every couple of days, when another handful of polls have been added. Moving right along, here are my completely unbiased (haha! …but seriously) picks for the winners of each fight.

1. Darth Maul vs. Wolverine

Winner: Largely because Darth Maul is a pussy.

Come on, really? Why do you people even bring up the Expanded Universe, and how cool Darth Maul allegedly was? First, the Expanded Universe sucks. Almost nothing from it is any good (KotOR and Rogue Squadron aside), so why it’s even being brought up is beyond me. Second, Darth Maul got killed by a Padawan. Sure, he killed Qui-Gonn—after he stunned him with a lucky shot.

Anyway, back to Wolverine: He’s been alive for a long time and mastered several fighting styles as a result, is essentially indestructible and heals any damage he takes. How does Darth Maul compare? He has a lightsaber. “But they can cut through everything!” you’re probably saying. Here’s the thing: They can’t. Furthermore, Wolverine is every bit as agile and skilled as Maul (if not more so), besides his regeneration and resilience. It was over before it started.

2. Luke Skywalker vs. Spider-Man

Winner: Luke just can't keep up.

I don’t care about how Luke fought Space Cthulhu and played golf with black holes. There’s a reason nobody gives a damn about the Expanded Universe: It’s terrible. But this is actually a really interesting matchup. Luke’s lightsaber negates a lot of Spider-Man’s web abilities, depending on how he uses them, and it puts him on the defensive at close range.

However, Spider-Man’s proven to be very resourceful, and he’s much more mobile than Skywalker. He’s also seen a lot more hand-to-hand combat with a wider variety of enemies. When it comes down to it, Spider-Man’s experience gives him the upper hand against Luke’s modest Jedi powers.

3. Charles Xavier vs. Obi-Wan Kenobi

Winner: Xavier just can't bring it.

Another interesting matchup. Obi-Wan can to some extent resist Xavier’s psychic abilities (remember, psychic attacks generally only work on weaker minds, and Old Ben is anything but weak-minded), but Xavier would likely be able to overpower his defenses before too long. But Obi-Wan has a lot of fight in him, and that’s important. Remember, Xavier doesn’t really have any game when it comes to physical combat. That’s what it really comes down to here, and Obi-Wan would probably win it due to his oft-hidden badass side.

4. Deadpool vs. Han Solo

Winner: Because he's a cheapass.

I hate this matchup. Han Solo is my favorite Star Wars character ever, but he just can’t compete with Deadpool’s skills, insanity and healing powers. Solo’s basically an average guy who gets by on wits and improvised combat tactics. Deadpool is a superpowered mercenary who can heal ridiculous amounts of damage, no matter where you hit him. Much as I hate to say it, this is like Maul and Wolverine: It was over before it started.

5. Darth Vader vs. Magneto

Winner: The Master of "Magnet" unsurprisingly triumphs over a cyborg.

At first, I thought, “Magneto’s victory here is obvious.” After all, Vader is famously described as “more machine than man,” with mechanical limbs and life-support systems (as well as body armor, presumably). But then I got to thinking: Could he use the Force to hold himself together? Would he be able to move in that state, with so much of his effort focused on keeping Magneto from taking him apart all at once?

The short answers are yes, and no. Vader could hold himself together with the Force, but doing so would require a significant amount of concentration. A debilitating amount. Magneto, on the other hand, has demonstrated multiple times that he doesn’t need to focus all that much on manipulating metals—at least on the small scale. And it’s never been explicitly stated just how much he can do with his magnetic powers; he’s deflected bullets, lifted submarines and even moved asteroids.

Vader’s a powerful agent of the Dark Side, but his metal body and the metal casing of his lightsaber (his primary weapon) puts him at a massive disadvantage here, considering Magneto can take both apart. He can’t use mental attacks on Magneto either. Not only does Magneto resist psychic abilities, but Vader’s also focused very intently on keeping himself in one piece. Turns out, my gut was right: As has been the case on multiple accounts, Vader never stood a chance.

So, there you have it. I really didn’t want to go this way. The Star Wars films (the only ones that matter, anyway) are among my all-time favorites. They were instant classics. Timeless, even. But when it comes down to it, can its characters measure up to Marvel’s? Unfortunately not. Don’t get me wrong: I love Marvel, but I was batting for the other team on this. And yes, I feel like Star Wars got robbed out of putting up a better fight.

I’d been hoping to see some better matchups, but it seems like IGN went for the obvious characters (no doubt due to fan recognition), and I feel like that worked to this contest’s detriment in a lot of cases. Still, I had a lot of fun writing about this and I’m looking forward to nerd raging about possible future mashups. Until then, screw you, I’m right.


About Aaron Kinney

I don't wanna think anymore.
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3 Responses to Nerd Rage: IGN’s Star Wars/Marvel Mash-up

  1. Alicia says:

    Luke is incredibly whiny. He is far from my favorite character in the Star Wars series. I’m also not a Spiderman fan, but he gets to business rather quickly, in a goofy way. Luke has his moments where he has to cry like an over-dramatic child who lost his favorite toy before he even begins to fight, where he’s usually owned before he pulls off a win. Of course, this changed a bit but like you said, Spiderman just outclasses Luke in most all cases.

  2. sazbby says:

    I am going to have to agree with you on all fronts. Obi-Wan vs. Xavier was a really difficult decision for me personally because those are two of my favorite characters. Xavier definitely doesn’t have the fighting spirit in him that Kenobi does, though.

  3. Alicia says:

    I’m not all that surprised. You know me, I’m a Marvel girl through and through but I’m also a mega-Star Wars-nerd and the match-ups weren’t all that great. I agree that they went for the obvious and the winners in each match up were obvious from the get-go, with the exception of Xavier and Obi-Wan. Oh well. Marvel triumphs again!

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